''You were bloody gorgeous!'', I said, as I looked at a picture from twenty five years ago.
If only I thought it at the time. I had so little confidence, was always finding flaws. Hair, too fine. Nose, too big. Lips, too thin. ''If only I could loose a couple more pounds'', even though I was a size eight.
Why oh why, no matter how beautiful I looked, deep down inside I never felt 'good enough'. An ugly duckling, longing to be a swan.
The other day I met a lovely woman around my age, in the ladies while putting on our lippy; as you do.
''Oh my god, I hate getting old !'', she said. ''I look in the mirror these days and hardly recognise the face staring back at me.
I told her my story, the twenty five year old photo. ''I'm exactly the same'', she said.''
'I've always hated the way I look. Hated being a size sixteen starved myself for months just to drop a couple of pounds. Hated my hair!'' All through my teens 20's, 30s, 40s. Then I got cancer', she said, 'Now putting on weight means that I'm healthy, and having hair at all, is a bonus.''
It made me feel sad and ashamed. Then I felt angry, angry at all those lost years of youth that so many beautiful women have used up not feeling good enough.
So, I have made a pact with myself. Tomorrow I will look in the mirror, see the face looking back at me and say;
''You are bloody gorgeous!''
I may not believe it entirely. But at least it's a start!
As a 'big girl' I go through phases of questioning, worrying about, agonising over this state, and very long periods of not thinking about... More...
"My daughter is anorexic. My beautiful baby girl is starving herself to skin and bone.
I take off my clothes and look at myself in... More...
"The only body I have"
"Shakespearian Sonnet: Amateur Chef Forsakes a Treadmill"
"The Mirror Never Lies….or does it?"
When I look in the mirror, what do I see?
Who is that woman... More...